Hidden Torment
by TurquoiseRose16
Summary: James has some serious problems that he can't deal with alone. He's a cutter and an anorexic because of his past. Will the guys help him or will he spend the rest of his life in his own hidden torment? Better than its sounds. Please Read.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, readers. This is my first story, so go easy on me, please. **

**I sadly do not own Big Time Rush, only this story.**

Another day passes of hiding my scars; both inner and outer. My flesh is littered with angry red lines. I remember how I got every single one of them, as I absentmindedly traced the cuts. Some were unintended, however most were deliberate. As I reached for my razor I recalled the day this horrid habit was formed.

_(Flashback)_

_I just walked in the door of my house after school and had set my bag down when my mother stormed into the room. I slowly backed away when I saw the anger burning in her eyes. "What is the meaning of this?" she shrieked as she shoved the math test I had taken the morning before into my shaking hands. I looked at it. I got a B+. "Uh, Mom, it's a B+. It's the second highest grade in the class. I thought I did really well," I explained still slightly trembling. "You thought you did well. Well newsflash you didn't do well, you did pitiful. Second isn't good enough. You are a failure," she spat harshly." But, only Logan was ahead of me and it was the hardest test of the semester, so I figured I did pretty well," I said quietly. She walked up to me and slapped me roughly across my face. I reached up and gingerly touched the spot she slapped. "Don't talk back to me," she said with venom in her voice. "I wasn't trying to I just was-"she cut me off. "What did I just say? For that you will not get dinner and you are grounded for two months. You are worthless. Idiotic. Ugly. Fat. A piece of shit and a disgrace to our family. Now march up to your room. Go!" She screamed. I ran quickly and quietly up to the sanctuary of my room. I closed the door and locked it. I slowly walked over to my mirror and looked into it. Suddenly the voices in my head replayed back what my mom had just said. "__**You are **__**worthless**__. __**Idiotic**__. __**Ugly**__. __**Fat**__. __**A**__**Piece of shit and a disgrace to our family**__." I felt the anger well up inside of me. I punched the mirror and immediately regretted it. "Fuck!" I muttered under my breath. The glass splintered and dug their way into my skin, as well as, fell soundlessly to the carpet beneath. I muffled a scream and proceeded to pull the glass shards out. Blood oozed from the many cuts on my hand. I expected it to hurt like hell as I pulled out the glass, but it didn't. It felt almost pleasant. Suddenly I felt an odd urge. I picked up one of the larger shards and rolled up my sleeve. I dragged the shard hastily along the underside of my wrist and watched the blood bubble out of the cut. After a few swipes the blood dripped down my wrist staining the carpet with small crimson dots. The shard I was holding glinted in the light, the blood covering it making me crave it more. I turned over my wrist and a small smile crept on my face._

_(End of Flashback)_

To tell you the truth I am afraid one day I will cut too deep or be caught but I know I can hide it for awhile longer. I smiled as I swiped the razor over my scared flesh. I walked over to the bathroom and quickly rinsed off the bloody blade. I watched the blood mix with the water and swirl down the drain. I put it back in its place and grabbed the gauze out of the cabinet. I slowly wrapped it around the damage I had created on my arm and gritted my teeth at the stinging. I then grabbed one of my bandanas and tied it around my wrist to hide the gauze. I walked out of my bathroom and sat on my bed. I heard my stomach growl. That reminds me, I haven't eaten in almost four days. I better eat something before I pass out. Yes, that's right. I'm anorexic. My mother used to call me fat and overweight so I guess those comments really hit home with me. No one has even noticed the change in weight. But how could they have. I eat with them then puke it up when they are not home. I used to weight about one-hundred and seventy pounds. Now, I barely weigh one-hundred and twenty-five pounds. Yep, I'll surely never be fat again, that's for sure. I walked to the kitchen and grabbed an apple and headed back to my room. I took a bite, chewed, and swallowed. I regretted taking that bite. I dropped the apple and hurried to the bathroom as the bile creeped up my throat. I kneeled in front of the toilet and started throwing up the apple. After I was done I leaned against the wall and started to dry heave. I calmed myself as I sat on the cold tile. After a few minutes, I stood up and flushed the toilet. I walked over to the sink and quickly brushed my teeth. I rinsed out my mouth and walked out. I started thinking about my life. You know I really envy my friends. I mean look at Kendall. He's strong, confident, and an amazing singer. And Carlos. He's caring and compassionate and sweet and fun. And especially Logan. He's insanely smart, watches out for us, and makes sure we don't kill ourselves. I'm certainly not any of those things. I mean everyone thinks I am prideful and only care about appearances, but it's only a cover. I'm afraid if I truly let anyone in they will break me and find out my secrets. I don't want that. I can't let people know yet. I will in the future. When I'm ready that is. "Hey, James. Let's go! If we're late again Gustavo will kill us!" Kendall yelled to me. "Coming!" I quickly shouted back. Well, I'm ready to face another day of hidden torment. Are you?

_**Save me**_

_**From myself**_

_**From the cuts**_

_**Deep in my flesh**_

_**From the hunger**_

_**That makes my body ache**_

_**Tell me I'm not worthless**_

_**That I have a purpose**_

_**Tell me I'm unique**_

_**And special**_

_**That I deserve to live**_

_**A long, full life**_

_**Tell me you will save me **_

_**That you care**_

_**Come quick**_

_**I feel myself slipping**_

_**Farther and farther down**_

_**Surrounded by darkness**_

_**The fear envelops me**_

_**Please save me**_

_**From myself**_

_**Pull me up**_

_**Into the light**_

_**Make things clear**_

_**Let others see me**_

_**Help me**_

_**Save me**_

_**Recue me**_

_**Please**_

**If you are wondering this is not a one-shot. There will be one to two more chapters. Tell me what you think, or if you have any suggestions,****but please go easy on me. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, readers, I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, but I was really busy these last few days. I hope you enjoy!**

The car ride to Rocque Records was silent until Kendall noticed something. "Hey, dude. Why is there blood on your hand?" At the word blood, Carlos and Logan both glanced back to see what he was talking about. _ Shit,_ I thought. I was sure I got all the blood off. I tried to change the subject. "Hey, Logie, keep your eyes on the road please," I said quickly. He sent me a menacing glare and then returned to watching the road. The subject changing didn't work. "So, James, what is with the blood?" Kendall asked worriedly. "I, uh, had a nosebleed before we left. I guess I didn't get all the blood off," I lied quickly. He opened his mouth to question me, but the radio was suddenly turned on. Thank you, Jesus, for Carlos' short attention span. The rest of the way we were silent, the only noise heard was the music pouring from our speakers. Suddenly, black spots blocked my vision and I felt dizzy, but as quickly as it came it disappeared. _That was weird_, I thought to myself. About ten minutes later we pulled up into Rocque Records, and hurried inside. As soon as, we passed through the hallway we heard, "Where are those dogs? They are late!" Uh oh. We are so dead. We sprinted all the way to the recording booth. "Finally the dogs are here. Get in the booth we need to record a new song," Gustavo said, surprisingly calmly. We walked in and the music started to play. "So hop in your ride, roll your windows down, cause tonight's your night, get lost in the sound, gotta crank the music loud, baby blow your speakers out," we sang perfectly. That's how it went through almost the entire song. Suddenly, almost at our last verse, the dizziness returned, worse than before. I grabbed Carlos' shoulder for support and he stopped singing out of surprise. "Dogs, what was that? What- wait. What's wrong with James?" Gustavo asked suddenly. Everyone turned to look at me. "I'm fine really. I just felt a little dizzy. No need to worry now." Then the dizziness got worse and I fell back and hit the wall. Then I sat and leaned up against the back of the recording booth. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my head in my hands. "James! Are you o.k.?" Logan asked concerned. "Yeah, I told you I'm fine." Which no one believed considering as soon as I finished the word "fine," I started losing consciousness . The last thing I remembered before succumbing to the darkness was my name being called repeatedly.

I opened my eyes and inhaled deeply. I looked around. There was blinding darkness everywhere. I screamed but no one could hear me. I couldn't hear anyone or anything. I only heard silence. Everywhere around me smelled like blood. A few tears slipped down my cheeks. This really is my own hidden torment.

_** I can feel them **_

_**They are near**_

_**I wait **_

_**No one comes**_

_**Why are they not coming**_

_**Am I that worthless**_

_**Would they could care less if I disappear**_

_**For eternity**_

_**Do they not realize how close to death I am**_

_**Do they not realize the blood I pour out daily**_

_**As a cry for help**_

_**Or the pain of hunger**_

_**I force on myself**_

_**Do they not realize I'm slipping**_

_**Into the abyss of darkness**_

_**Do they not hear me cry out**_

_**Scream for mercy**_

_**Do they not feel the strife of my life**_

_**The undying hatred I face daily**_

_**Or the rough pattern of my scars**_

_**Can they not see my tear stained face**_

_**Or my blood shot eyes**_

_**The result of begging for peace**_

_**Mercy**_

_**And love**_

_**Can they not smell the scent of blood and salt**_

_**And pain inflicted on my flesh**_

_**Can they not taste the bleeding crimson offering I give**_

_**In hope it would be enough to make someone come**_

_**And find me**_

_**To lead me home**_

_**To show me the right path**_

_**And the light**_

_**I so desperately crave to see**_

_**From all the days bound in darkness**_

_**Please come and help me **_

_**Save me **_

_**Rescue me**_

_**Please**_

_**Before it's too late**_

**Hey, I'm sorry it's short, but the next chapter I will try to make longer. Please R & R.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Yes, I am posting two chapters in one day. I felt bad about the short chapter so here is the next and most likely last chapter.**

Suddenly, I saw light. And heard a faint beeping. I slowly opened my eyes to be greeted by the faces of my friends staring down at me. "Hey, guys," I managed to get out. Suddenly Kendall spoke up. "Guys, do you think I can have a moment with him alone?" They all nodded slowly and walked out. "What is the meaning of this?" He said as he held up my left wrist. The gauze and bandana were removed. Uh oh. "I, uh, um," I couldn't finish because I didn't know how I was going to. "So," he spat harshly, " you can't can you?" I shook my head. "What about the drastic change in weight. Can you explain that?" I thought for a moment and nodded my head. It's about time I truly let someone in to break down my walls. If anyone I'm glad it would be Kendall. He's my closest friend. So I explained everything. Why I cut myself and starved myself and about my childhood. Every so often he would nod in understanding. By the end of telling him, I had tears dripping down my face. He put his arm around me and apologized for being so harsh. I couldn't blame him though. If one of them was going through this I would act the same way. He walked over to the doors and motioned for Carlos and Logan to come in. He asked if it was all right to tell them what I had told him. I nodded. He explained everything to them. Carlos' eyes were wide and I saw how a tear slipped down Logan's cheek. All three walked over to me. "We promise," they said together, "that we will always be there for you and help you. Always." Thank you, guys. Really." Nothing more was said, but really was there any reason to anyway.

In a few hours I was released from the hospital. Ms. Knight doesn't even know the whole story. She thinks I fainted because I just had a slight case of the flu. Oh, if only she knew. But she never will have to. As long as I have Kendall, Carlos, and Logan by my side I never will have to worry again.

And if you are wondering with the help of them I completely stopped cutting myself. Also, it turns out if I had gone any longer without eating, I probably would have had serious complications. Thanks to the guys I no longer have to live in my hidden torment ever again.

_**I can sense them coming **_

_**Trying to pull me free**_

_**Save me**_

_**From myself**_

_**No**_

_**I'm fading**_

_**Too fast**_

_**All I see is red**_

_**I'm slipping**_

_**Falling**_

_**Please save me**_

_**Help me **_

_**Rescue me**_

_**Save me**_

_**From myself**_

_**I feel a warm presence**_

_**Drawing me in**_

_**A pure light**_

_**White**_

_**Warm**_

_**Comforting**_

_**I see a face**_

_**Loving**_

_**I see a hand**_

_**Outstretched**_

_**Pulling me in**_

_**I grab it**_

_**Don't cry for me**_

_**I'm too far gone**_

_**I crossed the other side**_

_**I'm too far**_

_**Too lost**_

_**He never leaves**_

_**He doesn't forsake you**_

_**Thank you**_

_**Creator**_

_**Savior**_

_**Master**_

_**To you no one is too lost**_

_**Too far gone**_

_**And certainly**_

_**Never too late**_

_**For hope**_

_**Peace**_

_**Love **_

_**Forgiveness**_

_**A true home**_

**Well, this is the end. If you liked it I'm going to be starting a new one called "A test of strength". Thank you, readers and have a blessed day! **


End file.
